Sep 17, 2010

When I grow up, I want to be a ...

I was always a driven person. As a high school student, I busted my butt to get good grades and get into a good university. While in college (Ivy League) I had my eye on law school and finished my education in 3 years with a 3.75 GPA. Upon graduation, I found myself back in an emotionally abusive relationship with my on-again off-again boyfriend, which led me to want to take a break from studies (to get out of my own head) and instead work (to be around new people). I was hired by a great advertising agency, did really well and after 4 years, I was one of the youngest senior account supervisors. I decided to leave my more corporate job for a career as a stylist and right as things were picking up (magazine calls, good photography team, etc.), I faced the greatest challenge of my life: Infertility. Up until that point I felt like I was destined for greatness...

Here is am now, 5 years later and I find myself wondering what I'd like to do when I grow up. Part of me really envies working moms or even new moms who have an acceptable "excuse" for the 1-2 year emptiness in their resume. How could I possibly even make it to the interview process with the big gap in my resume? Should I just put something like this?

  • Motherhood 2009-present (New York, NY)
  • Crippled by infertility 2005-08 (New York, NY)

No one would buy that right? ...

I guess I'm disappointed in myself. I thought (as did everyone around me) that I would be making something of my life that would be of note. Don't get me wrong, I feel so lucky to be able to (finally) say I'm a mom (I'm ashamed to even complain when so many are still coping with IF). When I finally became a mom, I thought that title was going to validate me somehow. And in many ways it has. It is truly rewarding and I wouldn't trade it for anything. My son is relatively well behaved, has clean clothes and nutritious food on his plate. I'm doing pretty well overall. But I feel guilty for not being able to say that I'm 100% content. I want more. There. I said it! I feel so guilty about that feeling. I honestly thought that once I became a mother, nothing else would matter. That perhaps my only real ambition was motherhood -- you certainly would have thought so if you'd seen how I dedicated I was to making my infertility treatments work. And now, I wonder what else is in store for me.

I woke up this morning with a new sense of hope and aspiration. I'm thinking of going back to school. A clean slate. A new beginning. Maybe finally an ability to have it all.

I still have to put more thought into this and of course, I'm already thinking of the 100s of reasons why I couldn't possibly go back to school. Money and time being the key hurdles.

Dear readers, do you feel 100% fulfilled?


Krissi said...

This post spoke to me because I'm not feeling 100% fulfilled either. Sure I do feel like my family is complete and the long, hard avenues I took to get there will always make me feel so blessed but they will still be there...but I do wish for something more. Almost for a purpose that will make me truly happy and and give me more time to spend with my kids.
I would love to feature your IF success story by the way! Here's the link to the details:
Thanks in advance! I do appreciate it so much!
Happy ICLW! (#61 & 62)

Nico said...

Can we be friends? Just reading these few posts I feel like we have the same concerns etc. about our lives - I also finished my undergrad in 3 years with a similar GPA, did grad school afterwards but now I'm working part-time and being a mom which I mostly love, but I do feel like I'm 'wasting' my intelligence and schooling to some degree. But in some ways I don't because aside from that feeling I really am happy with my life right now - i guess it's that I feel like what I'm doing at the moment isn't necessarily what is deemed success by society. I could babble on about this for ages - but I'll stop here :)

Flucky Mom said...

Nico, of course we can be friends! This mom-blogging world is lonelier than I'd expected. Oh I could talk on and on about this topic as well, but didn't want to seem like a whiny bitch.

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