Oct 28, 2010

Living in Limbo: My Least Favorite Dance

I'm a planner. I plan things, events, trips... That's what I do. I like to know what happens next. Where I stand physically and emotionally. My planning doesn't take away from my ability to be spontaneous for the appropriate occasions -- sex comes to mind. But, I like to be in control of my life. Certainly, one would think that after 3+ years of infertility I would have learned a life long lesson to let go, but no. It appears I can't completely change who I am.

The last 9 months have been challenging my planning genes. It all started with a job offer for DH in Minneapolis. I tried to go with the flow. Be supportive, positive and relied on my planning (here read, research) abilities to stay optimistic about our future. Well, after 6 months, I just couldn't keep it going. We'd put our lives on hold -- delaying signing up for classes, making renovations on our house, even making plans with friends. For various reasons, it all fell through; in part because I just couldn't move there. Couldn't leave our life, family and friends for a place I felt no connection to.

I'm not a superstitious person, but ever since that job opportunity, there are constant mentions about Minneapolis on TV, in the paper, magazines, shows. The other day, I picked up a bath toy that K was playing with (which was originally brought home by DH after a business trip) and it said "Minneapolis, MN" under it. Pretty crazy, no?

This whole time, we kept of laughing off these apparitions (albeit, nervously) and waited to see what will happen. And now, even 2 months after turning the job down, we still wonder whether those were signs or coincidences. In truth, larger issues that were out of our hands would have prevented us from moving there, but one still wonders.

I great relief came upon me when we finally decided to stay in New York. I started looking at nursery schools for K to attend next year; called in some contractors to finally build that infamous bathroom we've been talking about for the last 5 years; been much more pro-active at nurturing my new friendship in our community that we are now happy to be a part of.

Well, the Universe is saying "not so fast!" Over the last couple of weeks, DH has been approached by three more companies that are out of state. It's like a sick joke. Really!

Of course, this time around, I took a deep breath and already told DH I could never go to one of the locations. The other two are very different from each other, but could be very exciting in their own right.

Part of me is incredibly proud and thrilled for DH (and us). I grew up moving around, adapting to new places, making new friends. I often itch for a change of scenery, a new adventure. And yet, the other part of me was so set on finally growing our roots here that I'm nervous to walk away.

So now, I internalize the Minneapolis mentions not as sign that we should have moved there, but more as the pivotal point when everything changed... for the better, I hope.

Until things become clearer, I'm back to being in limbo. No school to commit to, no bathroom contract plans to sign. But I'm still holding on to my friendships. Off to play date.


Anonymous said...

I really hate that feeling. The uncertainty, the second guessing.... Hang in there.

JJ said...

Limbo is really hard...Im a planner too--big time--so I get it.

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